I have no photo for today, or for the weekend.

I am sick, and I am scared, and I am nervous. As little as it helps, I am expecting the worst and I haven`t been this worried in my entire life.

Let`s just try to get through the next 32 days.

Hi. My name is Lisa and I am really good at mathematics.

I wish I still had that bow.

Fiesty

Occasionally I miss him. One. Or more so, I miss who I was with him. Feisty. Full of optimism and energy and enthusiasm. Cynicism does not look good on me. Flushes out my skin tone and makes me look fat. Does growing up mean becoming impassive and detached? Or have I just been broken too many times? I want to feel butterflies again. I want to be too nauseous to eat. Every muscle, every nerve, every tendon, bone, and ligament, I want them to pulsate out of rhythym with one another and make my fingers vibrate and my voice quiver. I want to hear the blood pounding in my ears and feel my heart thrashing against my ribcage again. I want love to have a feeling, not just a definitition. 

Am I broken?

Impatient

I've run out of words. Or, at least I have run out of ways to compose them in an expressive, lyrical manner. Today I have no observations. I thought of relatively little, I felt even less. I vacuumed, I mopped. I folded laundry. Every action was automatic.  Mechanical. Emotionless. 

Being liberated from my obligations leaves me time to think. And to feel, which is sad. I feel sad and I couldn't tell you exactly why. So I won't bother trying. 

Pensive.

02.03.2010

Patterns. If I want to fall in love there has to be a deadline. A deadline of exactly two months. This I know to be safe. Love is hard and running away is easy and safety is everything. As much as I miss such and such and so and so, I can't make up my mind and I can't settle.

I'm restless.

People throw around the word love a lot. Guilty guilty guilty. Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes I am sure that they don't. Desire and lust can eclipse reason and sense. Words come out without thinking and leave a trail of pain in their wake. 

Of one thing I am sure. After 12 years of knowing you, it's love. Pain is inevitable, and maybe we don't always forget, but we forgive. Always. Nobody takes better care of my heart than you do. Who says my Soulmate has to be a lover? Nein doch! 

Bests.

17.04.2009

19.03.2009

 

Nostalgic.

Once upon a time I was sixteen. I was sixteen and I used to keep a journal very similar to this one and I used to be sad and now I am not. There are some things in this world that are "inappropriate", but I don't know why loving him had to be one of them.

You made it okay to be ME.

And sometimes I have dreams about it. And we escape and live on the moon, because nothing is inappropriate on the moon. Not even the complete absence of gravity.

And I will run until my feet don't want to run no more.

Photography is a big part of my life, and at the moment it is one of the only creative outlets I have. So starting today, I will post a photo everyday pertaining to what I did or how I feel.

04.02.2009

Worried.