Posts through the ages

I mean after two and a half years you begin to forget the whys and you're just left holding onto something because you'd feel empty without it. Maybe because it's really just easier to fall back into loving him then to move on and live life.  Maybe it's just reliable or the way I feel when he's around. It used to be the way his lips curled when he smiled and the depth in his eyes... it used to be butterflies but now it's just familiar. I think I'm just so caught up in the chase that... that it doesn't matter if the destination is wrong for me, my legs just keep telling me I've got to keep running.
-March 10th, 2007 (17 year old me was so smart)

There’s nothing to write about anymore.

A few years ago tell me to write something and I would pretentiously go on for hours about the colour of the sky. Now the sky is… it’s just the sky. It’s beautiful and it’s simple and when I look at it I feel at peace . That’s all. I don’t feel small in comparison or lonely or isolated when I see how vast and open it is. I don’t feel anything but contentment, a mere satisfaction that I’m alive and the sun still shines and the snow still glistens under it. 

Maybe the reason is because I've stopped caring. Things just happen. Good or bad, they happen and that’s it. I sit idly by while things materialize, transpire, flourish into greatness and wither away. Anything that happens in my life stops happening eventually, and everything's always in and out and changing too fast that I don't have the time to care about it all . So when great things die I don't feel an ounce of remorse because I do nothing to keep them around. At the same time I don’t feel resentment towards life when something bad happens…. Because just like good things, bad things stop happening too until it's all just nothing.

I do my best to stay at a distance, unattached, because everything always goes away whether I want it to or not. Boys will like me and eventually get bored. Friends will be made and unmade, or just drift away. People will pass in and out of my life and I’ve tried hard to hold on to the good ones but they all move on to bigger and better things. I’m so tired of trying to make things happen because if I want it to happen it won’t. So I accept things the way they are and let things just happen the way the world intends them to. 

So I’m content.

I’m content because in my world everything is just as it should be.

I’m friends with everyone I need to be. They’ll leave eventually, everyone does, but the space will be filled with something new.

Everything I need in life I have. I don't have a car, or an ipod, but I can live without material possessions because I know that true happiness isn’t defined by them. I’m not defined by them. What matters are my actions, the relationships and bonds I manage to form, and my attitude towards life. That’s all; things aren’t going to make my life better, I can make it better simply by believing everything is okay, or it will be when all is said and done.

And with all of that I know I'll always be content because the prairie grass still glimmers in summer’s sunlight, and the snow still floats down to earth with such grace and such certainty that the ground is where it needs to be, it’s hard to be anything but grateful of life.

I’m grateful to be alive.
So I don't need to write 10 pages on the colours of the sky, I can just look up at it... and feel certain that life is just simply beautiful.

-November 29th, 2006

If I didn't love him before, I know that I do now.
Is that weird? Is that weird to love someone that you barely know?
Can you love somebody who doesn't love you back?  Can you love somebody and not know why?
Why.  Why.
Why.  Why.
Why.  Why.
Why.  Why.

I want to be able to answer the question.  My feelings are real, I don't have to defend them.
I need to know why. . I need to make sense of whatever this is so I can get over him. And if I can't get over him... well I will graciously except defeat and tell him. "I... hey... I love you.. And I know that you will never return the feelings, and I know that I will never let mine go...  but I need you in my life. So please just... look at me? Look at me like you used to, Please!!"

He drives me crazy.
He won't even look at me.
I love him and he won't even look at me!
I LOVE HIM AND HE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!

-September 22nd 2006

I'm sort of a pig.
And my hooves hurt from dancing.

And I love you.
Still. I'll say it again.
I love you.
Because when I say it to the air... well at least I'm saying it.
And you'll love me back one day.
Well maybe not you. But somebody like you... and that will do.
For now I think I can be content alone. 

--September 19 2006

Ponder this and go inside, and when you think you've caught me at a lie, then come and tell me I'm not fit to prophecy.

I wish I were made of sugar plums.

--When did I write this and where did that first part come from? Oedipus Rex?

I was waiting for the 66 to suburbia when half inch plugs walk up attached to the earlobes of some tall dark and handsome. Then it hit me like a 200 lb bus battery.

I was really craving peanut butter and jam.
Potentially between two slices of rye bread, with a 60% chance of melted chocolate chips, and a definite possibility of a glass of skim milk.

Of course I haven't yet satisfied said craving, but oh well.

-July 22nd, 2005