I had the most bizarre dream last night. I was walking down 12th avenue on the way to get a coffee. A lady was biking along the road, a wire trailer fastened to the back full of cans, a wicker basket on the front full of flowers.  She wore layer upon layer of tattered cloth, her hair a matted mess underneath her oversized hat. Her face was adorned with well-earned lines and black charcoal. I remember watching her pedal for some time until she stopped her bicycle in the middle of traffic, swung her leg over, got off, and lay down right in the middle of the street. She lay down and outstretched her arms to the heavens as if to accept her inescapable fortune. Whether or not she intended to meet with fate at that exact second, or whether she was trying to prove a point remains a mystery to me. Her dull grey eyes gave not even the slightest indication. She looked neither sad nor manic and unhinged. If anything she looked, to a certain extent, determined. The two furry caterpillars above her eyes inched stubbornly closer to each other in a look of resolution.  But at that point an SUV came barreling towards her. It began to slow, realizing as it drew nearer what the large black mass in the middle of the road was, but then, as if to prove its own point, ran over her. Slowly. Agonizingly. Front wheel, then back. I covered my ears in anticipation of a bone-chilling wail, but there was none. Everything was silent. The world was silent.

I woke up and it was as if I was taking my first breath of air as an infant, or maybe like I had spent my entire life underwater and I was just relearning how to use my lungs. I felt very confused and I remember thinking "oh that's right, I'm alive". And then I remember thinking what a strange feeling it was to have forgotten this very real, very obvious, very inescapable fact. 

Sleep inertia followed me around most of the day. I lost huge chunks of time; one minute it was 10 am, and the next minute it was late into the afternoon and I was still sitting in the exact same position.

I need a better distraction. Or maybe someone to talk to.

I gave my everything, for all the wrong things.