Sometimes love means letting someone go.
Were love a choice, you could have chosen to love me. You could have chosen to be certain about your feelings. You could have chosen to be better for me.
I tried my absolute best to be what I thought you needed. Until I realized what you needed and what you wanted didn't really match up.
I am sorry that you are hurt, but I have done nothing wrong. I will not apologize for pursuing happiness. I will not deny myself those things that make me feel good. Especially for someone who believes everything in life is a conscious choice and who subsequently chose not to act.
I gave you all of me and every opportunity to love me the way I deserve to be loved. So it was your choice not to be what I needed.
You can only hear "my heart is not open" and "I don't know if I will ever introduce you to my parents" and "I don't know if I can ever love you" and "maybe we shouldn't do this" so many times before you begin to pull away.
You pushed and pushed and pushed. Where did you expect me to go?
Never forget that I love you. My heart is big enough to love the world.
But I never fit into your definition of love. I wasn't the "one" and you made that pretty clear.
August 24, 2013
August 23, 2013
"MY DEAR
FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND LET IT KILL YOU.
LET IT DRAIN YOU OF YOUR ALL. LET IT CLING ONTO YOUR BACK AND WEIGH YOU DOWN INTO EVENTUAL NOTHINGNESS.
LET IT KILL YOU AND LET IT DEVOUR YOUR REMAINS. FOR ALL THINGS WILL KILL YOU, BOTH SLOWLY AND FASTLY, BUT IT’S MUCH BETTER TO BE KILLED BY A LOVER.
FALSELY YOURS,
CHARLES BUKOWSKI”
FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND LET IT KILL YOU.
LET IT DRAIN YOU OF YOUR ALL. LET IT CLING ONTO YOUR BACK AND WEIGH YOU DOWN INTO EVENTUAL NOTHINGNESS.
LET IT KILL YOU AND LET IT DEVOUR YOUR REMAINS. FOR ALL THINGS WILL KILL YOU, BOTH SLOWLY AND FASTLY, BUT IT’S MUCH BETTER TO BE KILLED BY A LOVER.
FALSELY YOURS,
CHARLES BUKOWSKI”
August 20, 2013
“I said goodbye again
sucking up all that was left of her into the
little that was left of
me. I said, 'don't look for me again. fuck it.
we are all lost. goodbye, goodbye.”
sucking up all that was left of her into the
little that was left of
me. I said, 'don't look for me again. fuck it.
we are all lost. goodbye, goodbye.”
It was silent. Completely. Which didn’t make sense because everything around me appeared to be making noise. The speakers were pulsating. Everyone around me was talking and laughing; deep belly laughs that spread through their faces and caused them to clap their hands together in amusement. Glasses were being dropped; glasses shattered. Cars outside the windows hurried past. Men and women were all grinding against each other, moaning in pleasure. But all I heard was silence. Dead on the night. Not even the whir of all the hundreds of sounds occurring at one time in front of my eyes. It was as if every sound wave in the universe collided together at exactly the same moment and destroyed each other. Or as if I had been deafened by the blow.
The only thing ringing in my ears now was the hum of a million of my own thoughts swarming in my head all at the same time. What and why and how could this be happening? Because none of it made any sense and it all went against everything I ever thought I knew about myself. A million thoughts but the feel of it all remained a consistent and unwavering guilt; gripping at my stomach like the chubby hands of a child, making it impossible to move, and even more impossible to sit still.
Empathy is the world's greatest gift, but the individual's greatest weakness.
Will I ever allow myself to be happy?
August 1, 2013
Questions.
"If you live in the past, you get what the past gave you"
I know that it is time to move on. I know it is time to let go of everything I was and everything I thought I wanted to be.
I know it is time to accept my limitations. The set of circumstances that I was born into. Accept them, and relish in them, knowing that they are fundamental pieces of my self. But do I love that self? And if I do not love myself, why do I not love myself? Can I fix those things, can I learn to love myself? And if I cannot love myself, can I at least respect myself enough to make sure my needs get met and stop at nothing to make sure that they are met? Are all my needs realistic? Should I assume that everything I want in life is within my grasp if I try hard enough to attain it? Or should I sacrifice a few things to arrive at some sort of inner peace?
What qualities do I value? What makes me who I am? What characteristics can I sacrifice in my search for happiness, while still maintaining my identity? Do my values align with reality? (Answer: No). Should I hold steadfast to my values, even if they don't? Even if it means I may never get the peace I want?
I feel a constant hum of anxiety. Inner conflict that bubbles and boils and erodes. I am hearing that I should love myself, I am telling myself that I need to. I am hearing that I should never sacrifice who I am because somebody makes me feel like that person is worthless. But I am hearing that I need to change "this and that and this other thing", because those are silly things to think and silly things to feel. And it's silly to care so much. I am hearing that I should believe in my own inherent worth and value. I should be able to validate myself. I am hearing that I shouldn't let anybody dictate who I am or what I do with my life. I am hearing that I shouldn't let others invalidate my feelings. But I am hearing "that is silly", "I don't understand you", "just stop".
How do I defend myself against "shouldn'ts" and "don'ts"? "You shouldn't feel anxious. You shouldn't be sad.
Life is okay, it isn't that bad. Don't be nervous, and don't be ashamed, don't feel you are silly, and don't assume blame".
How do I listen without listening? How do I stop caring, but still care? How do I retain the empathy that comes so naturally to me, while ignoring those moments when others do not afford me such kindness?
How do you explain to somebody the incredibly dark things that you feel, and how do you explain to them that it is not their fault, not your fault, not anybody's fault? And how do you explain weakness, while at the same time explaining to them that you are, indeed, very strong? That you have made it so far already without succumbing to that darkness, and you have done it all on your own. And how do you explain it without feeling ashamed when everybody uses words like "shouldn't" and "don't", as if you could somehow control those things in an instant? And if I should be able to control it, maybe I am not actually so strong.
On the one hand, I want to stop caring, but on the other I think I am a wholesome, generous, kind, compassionate person and I don't want to change.
I want to get rid of my anxiety, and I want to find that unwavering self-certainty that ensures I don't get anything less than I deserve (especially when it comes to love). But I feel like the things I need to let go, and the things I love about myself are inextricably linked. How do I part with one and not the other?
And all of these questions run around in my head all day and all night until people get frustrated with me because I can't be what they need. Because I am too busy trying to understand who I am and what I need me to be. And then they decide they are so frustrated with everything I am working on (and I swear to God I am working so hard) that they overlook all those things about me that make me great.
Maybe I have too many questions. Should it really be this complicated?
I know that it is time to move on. I know it is time to let go of everything I was and everything I thought I wanted to be.
I know it is time to accept my limitations. The set of circumstances that I was born into. Accept them, and relish in them, knowing that they are fundamental pieces of my self. But do I love that self? And if I do not love myself, why do I not love myself? Can I fix those things, can I learn to love myself? And if I cannot love myself, can I at least respect myself enough to make sure my needs get met and stop at nothing to make sure that they are met? Are all my needs realistic? Should I assume that everything I want in life is within my grasp if I try hard enough to attain it? Or should I sacrifice a few things to arrive at some sort of inner peace?
What qualities do I value? What makes me who I am? What characteristics can I sacrifice in my search for happiness, while still maintaining my identity? Do my values align with reality? (Answer: No). Should I hold steadfast to my values, even if they don't? Even if it means I may never get the peace I want?
I feel a constant hum of anxiety. Inner conflict that bubbles and boils and erodes. I am hearing that I should love myself, I am telling myself that I need to. I am hearing that I should never sacrifice who I am because somebody makes me feel like that person is worthless. But I am hearing that I need to change "this and that and this other thing", because those are silly things to think and silly things to feel. And it's silly to care so much. I am hearing that I should believe in my own inherent worth and value. I should be able to validate myself. I am hearing that I shouldn't let anybody dictate who I am or what I do with my life. I am hearing that I shouldn't let others invalidate my feelings. But I am hearing "that is silly", "I don't understand you", "just stop".
How do I defend myself against "shouldn'ts" and "don'ts"? "You shouldn't feel anxious. You shouldn't be sad.
Life is okay, it isn't that bad. Don't be nervous, and don't be ashamed, don't feel you are silly, and don't assume blame".
How do I listen without listening? How do I stop caring, but still care? How do I retain the empathy that comes so naturally to me, while ignoring those moments when others do not afford me such kindness?
How do you explain to somebody the incredibly dark things that you feel, and how do you explain to them that it is not their fault, not your fault, not anybody's fault? And how do you explain weakness, while at the same time explaining to them that you are, indeed, very strong? That you have made it so far already without succumbing to that darkness, and you have done it all on your own. And how do you explain it without feeling ashamed when everybody uses words like "shouldn't" and "don't", as if you could somehow control those things in an instant? And if I should be able to control it, maybe I am not actually so strong.
On the one hand, I want to stop caring, but on the other I think I am a wholesome, generous, kind, compassionate person and I don't want to change.
I want to get rid of my anxiety, and I want to find that unwavering self-certainty that ensures I don't get anything less than I deserve (especially when it comes to love). But I feel like the things I need to let go, and the things I love about myself are inextricably linked. How do I part with one and not the other?
And all of these questions run around in my head all day and all night until people get frustrated with me because I can't be what they need. Because I am too busy trying to understand who I am and what I need me to be. And then they decide they are so frustrated with everything I am working on (and I swear to God I am working so hard) that they overlook all those things about me that make me great.
Maybe I have too many questions. Should it really be this complicated?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)