Questions.

"If you live in the past, you get what the past gave you"

I know that it is time to move on. I know it is time to let go of everything I was and everything I thought I wanted to be. 

I know it is time to accept my limitations. The set of circumstances that I was born into. Accept them, and relish in them, knowing that they are fundamental pieces of my self. But do I love that self? And if I do not love myself, why do I not love myself? Can I fix those things, can I learn to love myself? And if I cannot love myself, can I at least respect myself enough to make sure my needs get met and stop at nothing to make sure that they are met? Are all my needs realistic? Should I assume that everything I want in life is within my grasp if I try hard enough to attain it? Or should I sacrifice a few things to arrive at some sort of inner peace? 

What qualities do I value? What makes me who I am? What characteristics can I sacrifice in my search for happiness, while still maintaining my identity? Do my values align with reality? (Answer: No). Should I hold steadfast to my values, even if they don't? Even if it means I may never get the peace I want?

I feel a constant hum of anxiety. Inner conflict that bubbles and boils and erodes. I am hearing that I should love myself, I am telling myself that I need to. I am hearing that I should never sacrifice who I am because somebody makes me feel like that person is worthless. But I am hearing that I need to change "this and that and this other thing", because those are silly things to think and silly things to feel. And it's silly to care so much. I am hearing that I should believe in my own inherent worth and value. I should be able to validate myself. I am hearing that I shouldn't let anybody dictate who I am or what I do with my life. I am hearing that I shouldn't let others invalidate my feelings. But I am hearing "that is silly", "I don't understand you", "just stop". 

How do I defend myself against "shouldn'ts" and "don'ts"? "You shouldn't feel anxious. You shouldn't be sad.
Life is okay, it isn't that bad. Don't be nervous, and don't be ashamed, don't feel you are silly, and don't assume blame".

How do I listen without listening? How do I stop caring, but still care? How do I retain the empathy that comes so naturally to me, while ignoring those moments when others do not afford me such kindness?

How do you explain to somebody the incredibly dark things that you feel, and how do you explain to them that it is not their fault, not your fault, not anybody's fault? And how do you explain weakness, while at the same time explaining to them that you are, indeed, very strong? That you have made it so far already without succumbing to that darkness, and you have done it all on your own. And how do you explain it without feeling ashamed when everybody uses words like "shouldn't" and "don't", as if you could somehow control those things in an instant? And if I should be able to control it, maybe I am not actually so strong. 

On the one hand, I want to stop caring, but on the other I think I am a wholesome, generous, kind, compassionate person and I don't want to change. 

I want to get rid of my anxiety, and I want to find that unwavering self-certainty that ensures I don't get anything less than I deserve (especially when it comes to love). But I feel like the things I need to let go, and the things I love about myself are inextricably linked. How do I part with one and not the other?

And all of these questions run around in my head all day and all night until people get frustrated with me because I can't be what they need. Because I am too busy trying to understand who I am and what I need me to be. And then they decide they are so frustrated with everything I am working on (and I swear to God I am working so hard) that they overlook all those things about me that make me great. 

Maybe I have too many questions. Should it really be this complicated?