“I said goodbye again
sucking up all that was left of her into the
little that was left of
me. I said, 'don't look for me again. fuck it.
we are all lost. goodbye, goodbye.” 

It was silent. Completely. Which didn’t make sense because everything around me appeared to be making noise. The speakers  were pulsating. Everyone around me was talking and laughing; deep belly laughs that spread through their faces and caused them to clap their hands together in amusement. Glasses were being dropped; glasses shattered. Cars outside the windows hurried past. Men and women were all grinding against each other, moaning in pleasure. But all I heard was silence. Dead on the night. Not even the whir of all the hundreds of sounds occurring at one time in front of my eyes. It was as if every sound wave in the universe collided together at exactly the same moment and destroyed each other. Or as if I had been deafened by the blow. 

The only thing ringing in my ears now was the hum of a million of my own thoughts swarming in my head all at the same time.  What and why and how could this be happening? Because none of it made any sense and it all went against everything I ever thought I knew about myself. A million thoughts but the feel of it all remained a consistent and unwavering guilt; gripping at my stomach like the chubby hands of a child, making it impossible to move, and even more impossible to sit still. 

Empathy is the world's greatest gift, but the individual's greatest weakness. 

Will I ever allow myself to be happy?